


im drunk and i miss you (us) so much

by oceanbed



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drinking, Light Angst, M/M, Mentioned Jeon Wonwoo, Post-Break Up, but not really, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-27 08:39:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13244595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceanbed/pseuds/oceanbed
Summary: Jun drunk calls his ex expecting to get shut down, only to receive a ride home, pancakes for breakfast, and a closure to an unanswered question from three years ago





	im drunk and i miss you (us) so much

**Author's Note:**

> i have no idea as to why i decided to go through with this story, buy i hope you guys enjoy it nonetheless

Junhui will sure as hell regret agreeing to go to the party tonight. He could almost _feel_ how painful his hangover is going to be when he wakes up the next day.

 

He knows he’ll regret it, the awful thought nags at the back of his head and the feeling of dread makes his stomach churn. He knows he’ll regret it, but nevertheless he persisted. Even though this is only a company party celebrating God knows what, Jun is almost absolutely sure that the party will end terribly.

 

~*~

 

Time proved him correct.

 

The moment their boss stepped out of the building, a moment of awkward silence washed over them. And then, as if a dam had burst, the whole building went haywire. It had gotten so wild, Jun could compare this to the wildest college party he had ever attended and deemed it neck-to-neck. It was _that_ chaotic. And for the record, someone got arrested back then.

 

But in their defense, they were left unsupervised.

 

~*~

 

 _‘It’s the_ _only_ _time you’ll be able to do something like this before having to be professional and all that shit. Relax, man. Loosen up and have some fun! Here, have another glass. In fact let me buy you something from the bar right there.’_

 

Those had been the last words his co-worker said to him before strutting off to get himself drunk, leaving Jun with two whole glasses of beer and no one to talk to. Jun sighs into his hands, disbelieving his current situation. He contemplated on whether he should go back to his apartment now while he still can, but he debated against it. His argument being the fact that it’s a Friday night, he had finished his project and his reports are already filed in. So he thought, hell, might as well enjoy the night while he could. He gulps down the remaining beer in his second glass and sets off.

 

He meanders around the building, complaining inwardly of how the whole building reeks of alcohol, sweat and cologne. He heard someone gag followed by sloshing sounds, and he shivers, mentally noting to stay as far as possible from the area.

 

He spent about fifteen minutes walking around, occasionally spotting the familiar faces of his friends enjoying themselves. He’d have a brief chat with some people and continue his trek. He then settles to sit with a group of people that he’s gotten quite close with while working on a project a few months ago.

 

He had acquired another two more glasses of alcohol, and was calmly drinking the second one when his head started to buzz. His insides were bubbling after all the alcohol he had consumed up until now, and he suspects the pain in his head that’s starting to form is going to get worse as the night continues.

 

“Wen Junhui, my man!” a man boomed as he stumbled forward, almost tripping on his own feet. He adjusted himself, and Jun recognized his face from that time they worked together in the break room because the coffee machine broke down. He knows the man, but that was not a reason to dismiss the fact that he may or may not have made Jun’s eardrums burst. He didn’t know what to say, partly because they’ve only talked once and the man was already addressing him as if they were childhood friends who share underwear, and partly because Jun’s head had begun to throb, and the man’s thunderous roar didn’t help him soothe it.

 

He dragged Jun and the group he was with to the middle of the room where a bunch of people huddled together in a circle. If Jun’s past experience in university was any help, he knows exactly what he was going to be subjected to.

 

“Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots!” the group all but shouted. Jun couldn’t believe his eyes. This was actually happening in front of him, and he wasn’t dreaming. The average age of the people gathered there could easily be determined as around 25. But why they were acting like problematic college sophomores, Jun hadn’t the slightest idea.

 

He sighs as they push him to the center of the gathering, and could only succumb to the occurrence as he downs the first shot of tequila they handed to him.

 

 

~*~

 

Jun had lost count of both the time and the number of shots he had downed. Although he could vaguely remember the latter, he recalls the people around him yelling that it was his ninth. Or was it the seventeenth? At this point, he doesn’t even want to remember.

 

His head hurts like _hell_ and he’s constantly slipping in and out of consciousness. He’d pass out and then waking up to find himself sprawled on the floor, or hazily being awake enough to know that he’s jumping from table to table while screaming his lungs out.

 

He had passed out again after he asked how he was going to get home to his equally intoxicated co-worker. He found himself sitting just outside the main entrance with knees tucked to his chest. His tie had disappeared in the middle of the chaos he was in. Jun snorts, thankful that it wasn’t the best tie that he had owned. Whoever’s hand it’s in right now, he hopes they liked the pattern.

 

He fished out his phone from his pant pocket, thankful that it’s still there along with his wallet. His head was still throbbing, his insides threatening to spill. His fingers aimlessly scrolled through his contacts list, his hazy eyes makes it hard to see whose contact he was looking at. And to be quite honest, Jun isn’t sure about who he’s going to call either.

 

He heard his phone dialing whosever contact his finger had pressed. It rang once, twice, and the person he was trying to reach answered his call on the third. Jun is- again, on the brink of consciousness.

 

If Jun was sober, he would’ve been concerned about whoever answers his call at _three_ in the morning. But at this moment, right now, Jun couldn’t even care less.

 

 _“Hello?”_ He heard the voice of the person on the other side of the line, and Jun knows _exactly_ who he had chosen to dial for help in his intoxicated state. Jun was silent, his breath hitched in his throat. He couldn’t stop his chest from aching _. He misses this voice so, so fucking much._

 

 _“Jun hyung?”_ Jun hasn’t heard them calling him that since three years ago, and to hear it again after all this time swarms his head with nostalgia.

 

_“Junhui gē? What’s wrong?”_

 

And his heart _breaks_ all over again.

 

“Minghao,” Jun breaths out.

 

“ _Yes?”_

“Minghao. Xu Minghao. Seo Myungho. Minghao.”

 

_“Yes, those are all my names. Hyung, what happened? Why did you call?”_

“Haohao! Haohao, it’s me, Jun.”

 

 _“I still have you in my phone’s contacts, hyung. I know who you are.”_ Jun could almost hear the boy smirking on the other side of the line.

 

“I missed you so much, baobei.” If there had been a small smirk on the other boy’s face, it disappeared as soon as those words escaped Jun’s lips. He heard nothing but silence for a few seconds, and then he heard the sound of fabric rustling.

 

 _“You’re drunk, aren’t you? Are you alone?”_ Jun’s mind went blank straight away. He hadn’t expected Minghao to actually hold a conversation with him, especially after what he said just now. Jun blurted out a stupid “Yeah, I’m not.”

 

Nice going there, Jun.

 

Jun heard Minghao chuckling softly from the other end, so it seems like he’s not in too much trouble. Not that he is, anyways. And besides, he will most likely forget that any of the conversation he’s having right now ever happened and he’ll be left wondering how on earth he is back in his apartment safe and sound.

 

 _“Is Wonwoo hyung with you? Please ask him to pick you up and take you back home,”_ Minghao instructed. Wonwoo was _not_ there with him, nor was he inside and enjoying the party. He was out of town for the whole week, and Jun was left alone with no one to pick him up.

 

He had tried to explain it to Minghao, his words occasionally stumbling back to his native tongue without him intending it to. Somehow Minghao managed to understand him through all his slurring, and with no hesitation he decided that he was taking him home. Jun passed out as soon as he managed to send his location to Minghao.  

 

He’s starting to regret ever calling Minghao, and his heart grows uneasy as the seconds pass by. But how can he not?  He was going to see the face of his past lover, again, after three whole years of being apart.

 

~*~

 

 

They were young, they were reckless, but neither of them could have cared less. Minghao was a year younger than him, and Jun was afraid he’d affect him too much if they dated. Minghao had proved him wrong, and Jun had to swallow his own words as he watches his whole world being turned upside-down by the younger boy.

 

Although he doesn’t usually show it, Minghao’s calm and quiet outer demeanor could easily fool people. It had certainly fooled Jun when they first met.  He was as fierce as the fire-red hair that he dons. Piercings decorated the shells of his fairy-like ears; a feature that Jun had found himself to adore the longer they were together. Minghao has a lot of tiny details that Jun finds endearing. Minghao’s round nose, his big doe eyes, his slim long fingers, the way his mouth moves, and how he could still hear his accent when he talks are a few things from Jun’s long list of details of Minghao that he absolutely loves. It doesn’t take the eyes of an expert to know that Jun is head-over-heels for the younger boy.

 

But after a while, those little details were the most painful to look at. Especially when he sees them turning like this because of him.

 

 Minghao’s fairy ears are tinted a shade of crimson from yelling so loud at Jun, who was equally screaming back at him.

 

His heart shatters when he sees the tears threatening to spill from Minghao’s big doe eyes that used to sparkle every time Jun looks at him in the eye. He blinks rapidly, attempting to keep his tears from falling as well. Minghao lowered his head. His hair –now the color silver- covered half of his face

 

Minghao’s slim long fingers were clenched so tightly that his knuckles turned white. Jun would’ve reached out to hold his hands if it wasn’t for the fact that they’re having their biggest fight after a series of never ending heated arguments from the past few weeks.

 

After a long moment of silence, Minghao’s lips, with his ever so distinct accent, lets out a sigh and whispered.

 

_“We should stop this, right now. All of this. Let’s end this.”_

~*~

 

 

Jun’s eyelids flew open. Of all the memories that could’ve resurfaced about him, it just _has_ to be that one. If Jun could give his brain a slap, he would have done it. The last three words he heard in his dream keeps ringing in his ears, and Jun would rather take another fifteen shots of tequila than remember those memories he had tried so hard to repress.

 

A car that parked in front of the building caught Jun’s eye. Upon seeing a slim, tall figure got out of it, Jun‘s first action was to screw his eyes shut and pretend that he’s still unconscious. His heart rate escalates, much to his dismay, and Jun fears that who he _thinks_ had arrived might hear his thundering heartbeat despite his inward urges for it to stop.

 

He heard footsteps getting closer. He’s almost certain that Minghao was there, evident from how light this person’s step was each time he moved, and the faint smell of vanilla mixed with the familiar scent of fabric softener further confirms his presence.

 

Jun didn’t dare open his eyes. The sound of Minghao’s soft sigh as he crouches down to check on Jun, along with the vanilla scent that gets stronger the closer Minghao’s face gets, and the ever so faint chuckle he lets out is more than enough to overwhelm him.

 

 _“You’re impossible.”_ Jun heard Minghao whisper before he felt his shoulder being shaken. If there was ever a moment for Jun to make use of his experience in acting, then that moment is now.

 

He lets Minghao attempt to wake him up for a while before letting out the most convincing groan that he could sound out. Jun finally opens his eyes, and he’d be lying if he said that he’s not taken aback.

 

Minghao almost looked that he didn’t change at all, yet he changed a lot. His silver hair is now blonde-almost golden, even-contrasting to Jun’s light brown locks. His big doe eyes seemed worn out, but nevertheless still full of life. New earrings decorate the shell of his ears, but Jun could recognize a single earring from three years ago still proudly perched on his ear. His upper arms had increased in volume since the last time he saw him, and he silently wonders how heavy the things he can lift now without his help.

 

His sudden train of thoughts distracted him from Minghao, as he saw him mouthing words but he couldn’t hear a thing he’s saying. His face must’ve showed his situation, because Minghao could only shake his head and urged Jun to stand up. He carefully positioned himself so that Jun was leaning on his shoulder, and the both of them walked back to his car.

 

The ride to Jun’s apartment was silent, apart from the occasional mumbling by the still pretty much intoxicated Wen Junhui, blabbering in a mix of Chinese and Korean that no one else could have understood. Amongst all the jumbled up sentences, only few of them were understandable. Jun talked about wanting to buy a new keyboard for his computer. After that he started complaining about how the price for his favorite brand of ice cream had increased. And then he talked about a lot of other insignificant things that happened this week. Minghao wasn’t bothered. His naïve mind had dared to dream that this is going to go on forever. He brushed off the thought almost immediately, not letting himself to have hope.

 

~*~

 

 _“Why did you break up with me?”_ Jun’s whisper disrupted the calm hum of the car once again after minutes of silence between the two. Minghao paid him no mind, thinking that he’s probably talking in his sleep. He continued to drive in silence.

“Why did you break up with me?” Jun repeated, this time louder, albeit still gruff from all the alcohol he chugged down. Minghao scrunched his brows. He dared himself to glance to the passenger seat, expecting to see Jun still sleeping with his head lolled to the side. Instead, he saw Jun’s clouded cognac eyes staring into him like he was transparent. For a small fleeting moment, Minghao was lost. It took all his might to tear his eyes from him to pay attention to the road.

 

He was surprised and confused, but other than that, he was taken aback. He was caught off guard. Even though Minghao knew that the question was inevitable and he would have to answer it no matter what, he hadn’t expected Jun to ask it so suddenly. Granted, he was drunk and disoriented. But still, it was too soon.

 

Jun’s question never got an answer that night.

 

~*~

 

Minghao had to carry Jun up the stairs. The car’s turbulence apparently messed up Jun’s insides, even though the ride wasn’t even that bumpy. He’s now _this_ close to throwing up. Minghao huffed as he puts Jun down, and he landed on the floor with a soft thud. He groaned at the sudden contact.

 

Jun hid his spare keys inside a hanging flower pot. Typical Jun, Minghao thought. It had always been a habit of his since years ago. He wonders if Jun ever got himself robbed at some point of his life. He turned the key twice and opened the door slightly, walking back to a disgruntled Jun.

 

“Can you stand up?” Minghao asked as he pats Jun’s shoulders. Jun only groaned and got up, wobbling feet trying their best to balance his swaying body while walking inside. Minghao trailed along behind him.

 

Jun flicked on a switch, and the whole room was so overwhelmingly like Jun, Minghao had to take a step back. It was stupid, really. This is Jun’s apartment; why would it not feel like him?

 

This might make him sound like a complete creep, but the whole place literally _screams_ Junhui. The smell, the atmosphere, the furniture’s colors, evens the curtains! Minghao’s fingertips subconsciously dragged itself across Jun’s beige sofa, feeling the texture of its every fiber.

 

He only stopped when he heard retching coming from the bathroom. He rushed to where he thinks is the source of the sound, and he felt relieved when he sees Jun slouching on the bathroom floor.

 

 

Minghao massaged the back of Jun’s neck as he vomits. His fingers were curled at the rim of the toilet bowl, gripping it as if it was his lifeline. The stench of alcohol mixed with digested food attacked Minghao’s sense of smell. But even then, he still stood by Jun’s side.

 

Minghao dragged Jun to his bedroom after he was sure he had emptied his stomach. Thankfully, color had returned to Jun’s face.

 

He rummaged through Jun’s closet to find him something comfortable to wear. He helped Jun take off his alcohol-smelling white suit, which was suspiciously missing a tie, and he left him alone to change his clothes himself. He instructed Jun to leave his clothes in the laundry basket and lie down after he changes.

 

Something warm, Minghao thought. That’s what he needs to restore some of his energy. Waking up with an empty stomach would be a literal torture, especially when accompanied by a hideous hangover. Soup could do the trick.

 

Minghao ventures into Jun’s kitchen, impressed by how neat and tidy its condition is. He rummaged through his refrigerator and his pantry, and in no time he’s ready to start cooking.

 

 

~*~

 

 

Unbeknownst to Minghao, Jun had woken up while he was in the middle of cooking, too occupied with stirring whatever is inside the steaming pot to notice him.

 

Jun wanted to say something. He wanted to walk up to him from behind and hug him. His small shoulders looked too stiff. Jun’s mind might be a bit clouded, but he could still notice the slight discomfort in Minghao’s movement. He contemplated about it,

 

But he decided against it. He trudged back to his bedroom silently, ignoring the small nag at the back of his head telling him to turn around. He slipped back into his covers and acted as if nothing had happened.

 

~*~

 

Minghao came back to his room about half an hour later, soup bowl in hand. Jun hadn’t move from his spot.

 

“Hyung, wake up,” he said as he sets the steaming bowl on his nightstand. “You have to eat first.”

 

Jun sits up with a look of distaste, but Minghao was too busy with the soup to notice. He sat at the edge of his bed, gently blowing the steam from the spoonful of soup.

 

“Ah,” he ordered. Jun was almost certain that Minghao could shove the spoon in his mouth if he wants to, based on the undertone of his voice (how he managed to notice that, he supposes that he was once used to it). So he complied. He opened his mouth and Minghao proceeds to feed him.

 

The soup tasted better than he expected. He had definitely been improving his cooking skills.

 

(Jun could still taste the salt from the time Minghao tried to bake cookies without guidance three years ago.)

 

~*~

 

Awhile after he finished washing the dishes, Minghao shook Jun awake once again, informing him that he needed to go back home. His initial plan was to take Jun home, help him get to bed, feed him if he must, and then leave. Maybe then the stupidly awful pain in his chest will go away. Whether or not he’ll return in the morning, he still hasn’t decided yet.

 

But when Jun-with one foot already in his dreamscape-reached out and grabbed his wrist as he turned his back, Minghao found his initial plan ruined for good.

 

 _“Stay,”_ Jun whispered.

 

And so he did.

 

 

(He didn’t expect Jun’s sofa to feel more like home than his own bed. He immediately discards the thought from his head, cursing at himself for even thinking of it.)

 

~*~

 

Minghao had surprisingly slept well despite the weird position he woke up in. The first thing that he thought about after stretching the sleep off was to cook breakfast, although he doubts that Jun will wake up anytime soon. He crept into Jun’s bedroom just to check.

 

The lump under the blanket doesn’t seem to be moving aside from the steady intakes of breath. Minghao decides to let him rest for a while longer. He had a tiring night. He took Jun’s clothes from last night outside with him to bring to a laundry.

 

He fished the keys to his car from his pockets, only to put it back in again as he decided that he wanted to take a morning walk to the store to buy the ingredients for breakfast. A little bit of fresh air and some exercise could help him clear his mind, even just a little bit. The close proximity to Jun after three years of being nowhere near each other is too suffocating. Especially with the tiny feelings he still has lingering around somewhere deep in his heart for the older boy. His walking escalates to a jog when other thoughts come to mind.

 

~*~

 

When Minghao returned from his run to the store, Jun was still fast asleep. He decided that he’ll start cooking immediately, considering that Jun had slept for quite a long time, and he could wake up any moment now.

 

It took Minghao 25 minutes to make them breakfast, and 30 for Jun to finally get out of bed and join Minghao in the kitchen.

 

“Morning,” he greeted the older male who just woke up as he walks to the kitchen counter, a wooden spoon in hand. “I borrowed your kitchen again to make us breakfast. I hope you like pancakes and chocolate milk.”

 

Jun’s face contorted into confusion as he sits down. The memories from last night seemed to be lost for a second before it rushed back in to his head the second afterwards. His eyes widened and he buried his face in his palms, suddenly embarrassed.

 

“Hey, uh. I’m really sorry about last night. I didn’t plan on getting that drunk and all of a sudden I’m downing tequila shots and-“

 

“Hyung, it’s fine, really.” Jun’s rambling was stopped abruptly by Minghao’s surprisingly calm reassurance. Jun wanted to continue his speech about how sorry he was, but the topic was already swept aside as Minghao puts a plate of stacked pancakes in front of him. A glass of chocolate milk followed suit. Jun couldn’t find himself to continue to speak, so he mumbled a quiet ‘thanks’ before eating the meal. Minghao sat across to him, and the both of them ate together in comfortable silence.

 

 

 

Jun could see Minghao’s backside from where he’s sitting on the sofa swaying along to whatever tune he’s humming as he washes the dishes. The atmosphere between them was calm, but there’s a single question at the tip of Jun’s tongue that’s just screaming to be asked.

 

Jun had an internal debate with himself. He refuses to let go of the calm state that they are in right now, but at the same time he’s so tired of feigning ignorance over the unanswered question from years ago. This could be the only time he could ask it. He even asked the question last night, but Minghao didn’t give him any answers. Instead he just tore away his gaze as if he hadn’t said anything. Jun is sick of that.

 

And so when Jun was sure that Minghao had finished cleaning everything up in the kitchen, he waited for him to turn around and face him before he asked him again.

 

_“Why did you break up with me?”_

 

Minghao’s whole body froze in place. Jun saw his eyes dart from side to side, blinking rapidly. He pursed his lips, contemplating.

 

After what seemed to be millenniums of awkward silence, Minghao closed his eyes while scrunching his brows and drew out a shaky breath.

 

“I guess,” he began. “I’m obliged to tell you. And you deserve to know.”

 

He walked hesitantly towards the sofa and sat sideways cross-legged, knees touching both of Jun’s own, whose gaze had never once left Minghao.

 

He bit his bottom lip, hesitating on whether or not he should hold Jun’s hands as he eyes his palms cautiously. He shuts his eyelids and held his breath, fists clenched. The massive cloud of thoughts in his head was enough to make the decision that if he was going to reveal everything, he might as well go all out.

 

He bit his bottom lip, hesitating on whether or not he should hold Jun’s hands as he explains himself. His gaze wanders to Jun’s palms, then to his own. He shut his eyelids close while he held his breath, nails digging crescents into the palm of his hands. Hey, he was going to reveal everything anyways, right? He might as well go all out. The massive cloud of thoughts dispersed as he made his final decision. With a sharp intake of breath, he opens his eyes.

 

He reached forward, and Jun’s hands met his halfway.

 

They fit together as perfectly as ever, even after all this time.

 

As if on instinct, Jun’s thumbs began caressing Minghao’s knuckles, and he gently squeezed Jun’s hands in return.

 

His head drops as he sighs out loud, muttering something under his breath about not knowing where to start. But then he lifts it again, and whatever uncertainty that was once there in Minghao’s eyes had vanished completely.

 

“I guess I should-”   He clears his throat. “-Start from the beginning.”

 

Jun nods, signaling him to go ahead.

 

So Minghao wore his heart on his sleeve, and Jun is all eyes and ears.

 

~*~

 

“The first few months of our relationship were probably the happiest time I’ve ever had with you,” Minghao began. “Everything had felt so perfect. I even dared to wish for it to last forever.”

 

“But I guess we just can’t live normally without fighting, huh?” Minghao asked bitterly.

 

Jun grimaced at that, recalling the way they’re constantly bickering when they’re around each other. The calm times that they had were always followed by storms.

 

“I guess it’s just our nature,” Jun answered.

 

“We always managed to find our own ways to solve them,” Minghao continued. “But at that time, we just couldn’t find any.”

 

The words _‘let’s end this’_ echoed in Jun’s ears once again. Jun frowned at the unwanted resurfacing of the bitter memory.

 

“I think we fell out of love.” Minghao concluded. Jun could only nod to that. 

 

 “If there was even love to begin with.” Jun heard Minghao mutter under his breath.

 

He felt offended, somehow. He jerked Minghao’s hands towards him abruptly, startling the younger.

 

“I loved you with my whole heart!” Jun shouted in disbelief, his expression angered.

 

“And as did I!” Minghao countered, raising his voice without him intending it to. “And I still do, even until now.”

 

Minghao lowered his gaze. If Jun hadn’t been so close, he wouldn’t have heard the last sentence that Minghao said. “I can never stop loving you. You were the love of my life.”

 

Jun’s anger quickly dissipated at the sudden confession. He slackened his grip on the younger’s hand, but Minghao didn’t move an inch.

 

“But our relationship wasn’t healthy, hyung. I hurt you, I gave you wounds. Our fights kept getting frequent and more violent. I couldn’t stand constantly screaming at you. But I had issues. My anger and my lack of self-control back then brought nothing but negativity into our relationship. And I couldn’t drag you down like that. If being together with you meant that I will always hurt you, then I’d rather not be with you at all.

 

And besides, after we broke up you focused a lot more on your studies. I saw your grades improve a lot compared to when you and I were together. You even graduated as the top student. I couldn’t be more certain that cutting me off from your life made you improve yours.”

 

Jun’s mouth tasted bitter. All of those things did in fact happen, and Minghao wasn’t exaggerating anything. Jun doesn’t know whether he should feel bad or wince at the painful truth. His thumb began caressing Minghao’s hands again, this time more subtle, urging him to continue pouring out his feelings.

 

Minghao trembled as he takes a long inhale, shaky breaths escaped from his lips.

 

“I saw you with another guy once. At first I didn’t notice you because you dyed your hair. You looked genuinely happy, and I’ve never seen you smile so wide in my entire life. I-”  He choked on his own words, tears threatening to spill. “I realized that I’ve never even made you happy, and we dated for well over a year. I felt bad, Gē, for depriving you of love and happiness. I’m sorry. You deserved so much better.”

 

Minghao tried so hard to stop himself from bawling in front of Jun, he really tried his best. But the tears wouldn’t stop no matter how hard he urged the dam of his eyes to close. He felt small, frail, and ashamed. His lets go of his grip on Jun’s hands to cover his face. His whole body shook as he sobs.

 

“I always thought that we shouldn’t have met, even when we were still together I regretted our relationship. I feel like I deceived you, and my mental health made the whole thing worse. I even went to therapy afterwards, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that everything went downhill because of me.”

 

Jun’s heart shattered to pieces. He had never seen the younger so exposed. His feelings were blatant as daylight, and Jun doesn’t like the way he blames himself so much. Of course, he still is wrong, but so was Jun. The both of them weren’t at their most stable state back then, and Jun wanted to punch himself on the gut for being so reckless. He knows he’s somewhat to blame here, being the first to lead him on knowing full well that he himself is just as unstable as Minghao was. Their relationship was already cracked even before it managed to sail, and the harsh waves that hit them contributed to their eventual destruction.

 

They were both broken, and right now they’re trying their best to heal.

 

Jun cupped Minghao’s hands with his palms, gently lifting them from his face so that he could see his face. Minghao is still trying his best to stop his tears from falling, and Jun’s expression screams nothing but hurt and broken.

 

Neither of them moved.

 

“I’m sorry for what could have been,” Jun finally said, bringing their two hands together. “We met each other too early, loved each other too quickly, and we burned out just as fast. We just weren’t ready yet, and we are both to blame.”

 

Jun’s words were the conclusion of what made their relationship fall apart. Minghao gave him a small nod  in return, informing Jun that he understands clearly.

 

Minghao’s eyes are all swollen, and the bottom his lips are on the verge of bleeding from him biting it too hard while trying to stop his tears. Jun’s thumbs traced his eyelids gently, wiping off the remnants of his tears. His wails have now reduced to hiccups disrupting his steadying breath from time to time. Jun tucked a stray piece of hair to Minghao’s ears, and his fingers subconsciously traced itself over Minghao’s fairy-like earlobes. Minghao didn’t protest. The gesture was calming for the both of them.

 

A thought came into Jun’s mind, and he’s convinced that all of his senses have been knocked out of is brain. He couldn’t even stop himself before he converted the thoughts to words.

 

“Can I kiss you?” he asked with his hand still carding through Minghao’s soft locks.

 

Minghao’s face contorted into something akin to pained. Jun felt incredibly guilty after saying that, but it’s too late to take it back.

 

“Why do you do this to me, Gē?” Jun’s face reflects the guilt he feels inside. “You know we can’t.”

 

“Minghao, please.” Tears began pooling in Minghao’s eyes once again. He lowered his gaze.

 

“I won’t be able to stop myself. I won’t be able to let go. Please, Gē, no,” He pleaded, voice breathy.

 

“Neither will I,” Jun’s voice was almost a whisper. Minghao screwed his eyes shut and sealed his lips in a desperate attempt to prevent himself from bursting into tears.

 

“Can I kiss you?” Jun asked again, peering into Minghao’s face.

 

Minghao didn’t trust himself to speak, so after a while, he lifts his face just a little bit, and nodded.

 

Jun placed his hand behind Minghao’s neck, craning it upwards. He placed his other hand on Minghao’s damp cheek, now getting wet again from another stream of tears. His thumb traced over Minghao’s quivering lips as he inched his face closer. Minghao didn’t dare open his eyes.

 

Their lips finally met, and nothing in the whole world had felt more right. Only then that Jun lets his tears fall down as well. Minghao sobbed into Jun’s lips as he deepened the kiss.

 

 

It felt like millenniums had passed before they finally let go of each other, their lips still hovering near one another.

 

There was a moment of silence before Minghao finally spoke.

 

“Does this mean goodbye?” his voice was quiet, hesitant.

 

Jun frowned. He didn’t want to part with Minghao again. They’ve just figured everything out.

 

“Only if I can say hello again,” he answers boldly.

 

“How would you know that the same thing won’t happen again?”

 

“I believe we’ve changed for the better.” Minghao only smirked at that.

 

“Are you willing to start again?” Jun finally asks.

 

Minghao didn’t even hesitate.

 

 

“Absolutely.”

**Author's Note:**

> phew, hope yall liked that


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